What’s the fucking point? Building a band is like building a sand castle or a tower out of a deck of cards. I am always supposed to lead the way like some kind of piper. Standing there on purpose waiting for someone to make a move or play a progression and it does not happen. If I respond to peoples adds they tell me exactly what they want me to play with no compromising. Now I remember why I stopped playing in bands. Bands do not last. If they somehow manage to stay together and make amazing music there is usually some kind of rarity. The thing that is not fair is it takes everyone to make it work. One person can fuck the whole thing up. Maybe it’s my fault. My mind and mood changes daily and its uncontrollable. Perhaps I am naive for think I could actually make something special. There are thousands of artists all thinking they are going to make a difference or show the world how amazing there art is. Although that is not my main concern, I am just out for the discovery; I just might be one of those thousands of losers. How are you supposed to know if you’re special or not? Watching Mr. Rogers could give you a delusion, but the truth could always be hidden from yourself and you will never know. If you’re lucky, when you die maybe someone will whisper it in your ear “hey Samuel, you were really a fuck up and it was kind of amazing how you tried so hard when really you’re nothing”. That would be pretty funny I guess.
I am not giving up, but I am getting tired and loosing energy. It’s the boredom that really drives me. It’s not giving up realizing you’re not that special. Jeez I know I know! Self indulgent bullshit words. The part I am trying to figure out is why I am even posting this. Do not worry, this is not some reverse psychology method for getting people to flatter me, “oh no Samuel, you are special and will make amazing things”. Instead of some encouragement, how about chiming into my self loathing pity. That would be pretty funny too. Oh, ok I get it now. A half joke will do. It is probably more simple then I explained, I just need love in my life. Unfortunately I do not like video games so I will bitch instead. I will give you a dollar if you shoot me.